Ways to avoid a Southern ass-kicking Apr 1, 2015 17:14:38 GMT -6
Post by caveman on Apr 1, 2015 17:14:38 GMT -6
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting
Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them
cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy
Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.
Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's
Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or
we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed
Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think
we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of
sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead
of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll kick your ass.
8.) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended
with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick ass butt.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot,
and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like
Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't
like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before
it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and
ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us
live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and
tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after
it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize
our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.